Guard Your Heart

This is a classic quote from Proverbs chapter 4 verse 23. I hear it most used in terms of relationships. "Remember when you are dating to guard your heart! You only have so much to give away!" I guess I would call it a pet peeve of mine to use this verse to refer to relationships. I just don't like it. I'm not saying there's no truth to it...I'm just saying it's not what scripture was talking about. He was talking about not letting your heart be contaminated by sin. Protect it. Guard it. Get rid of perversity from your mouth, keep your eyes straight ahead, guard your heart! It is the well spring of life. It is where you have put the words of God. It affects your entire being. Don't let sin dirty the well.

So how did this phrase get turned into a relationship staple in Christian thought? And what are people saying when they use it to refer to how we approach relationships? I think mainly it's meant to say, "Don't give too much of your heart away before it's time." You may get hurt (God forbid), or when you get married, you wont have that part of your heart to give. Which I'm not saying is wrong (yet). But I do think it's a misquotation of scripture and is not contextually what it's talking about, and I guess it just worries me when it is applied as such. I see the use of the principle "the heart is the well spring of life" and should therefore be guarded in not just sin, but also in relationships. And I'm all about applying Biblical principles to all areas of our life. Just...don't make it sound like the author was thinking about and referring to the way in which we date when he wrote the verse. So...that's my opinion of the use of the verse outside of context in general. Whether it's for truth or not.

So the next question is...is it truth? What about the principle that they claim is inherent in this verse. That we should guard our heart in dating and be careful not to give too much of ourselves away too quickly. Is this truth? I want to say no because of how it is commonly used to justify an extreme of being guarded and closed off, or of just not loving other people! But...in reality, I think it is a good principle. I loved what Pat said at Crossroads the other night. Him and Kristin were looking at houses, and after visiting one he noticed her looking out the window as he talked to her. And he could tell that she was already moving in, and it wasn't a house they could even afford. That is a great analogy to the unhealthy "moving in" that many people do in relationships. They emotionally go farther than the actual relationship has gone. They give up their independence or their identity too quickly and in inappropriate ways. They share their entire hearts with someone, only to be crushed when it isn't returned and the other person just wasn't on the same page. I get the value and the wisdom in the adage "guard your heart" in these situations, and I think it's probably what most speakers are referring to when they use it. But I guess I have a problem with how it is interpruted and often explained. I've heard it said to guard your heart so you wont get hurt if you break up. Well...I just don't agree with that. Since when did God promise us happiness all of our days? And since when did good things quit coming out of pain? Now, I'm all about not being hurt unnecessarily. I think if you "move in" to a relationship and it ends, you've brought on an unnecessary amount of hurt that could have been avoided had you been practicing healthy relationships. But it's important to note that to avoid all levels of hurt is to avoid life. We live in a fallen world. We will experience hurt. We deal with fallen people. People will dissappoint us and we will find pain sometimes in any relationship that we make ourselves vulnerable to. I hate to sound caloused, but that is life. And we are in it. And while God does not desire pain for us for the sake of pain, His grace enables us to grow out of the experience. And I don't necessarily think that we should look for ways that we will never get hurt...but be intentional about things that help us not be hurt unnecessarily, or harmed in a way that is a lasting pain. A pain that causes a wound and causes problems down the road. A harm that makes us distrust people. But you know...in spite of the almost guaranteed hurt that's involved with dealing with other people, Christ asks us to do it. He is all about relationships and about living life with people and about being vulnerable and open and real and raw. And of course there is a healthy level of it when it comes to dating relationships...I just think that young Christians can often use the "principle" as an excuse not to be vulnerable and real and open in their dating relationships. It leads them to not being able to express themselves physically or emotionally to a partner in fear that it may some day be used against them, or that they will regret doing so if the relationship doesn't work out. And I wonder if most people who are affected by this type of thinking, don't tend to stifle their own love language in the name of "guarding their heart" and withhold expressing the love language of the other person in that same name. And this seems tragic to me. Again...I'm not saying there aren't healthy ammounts. And I'm not saying you can't go overboard. But you just never hear the other side. You never hear people speak about the importance of expressing and relating to the other person in their love language. Guys are taught to not touch girls until marriage regardless of the fact that some girls need that touch in order to feel loved by someone. Not just in marriage, but now. Love is not just meant for marriage. It is meant to be expressed every day in our relationships with our friends and with our interactions with non-christians. Why should it be taken out of our dating relationships.

Now I understand that you usually don't hear about it because it's usually not something we struggle with doing. You don't have to tell someone to express themselves in their love language...it's natural for them. That's why it's their love language. And the bigger problem is expressing yourself in healthy ways and limits. So...maybe it's just the principle of teaching the truth in a balanced way, if not for those few who do take it to far and don't know how to express affection or love to their dating partner in ANY ammount.

I'm also still not sold on not giving your heart away because you leave some of it when the relationship ends. I don't totally understand how that works. I understand it when it comes to sex. And I can see there being baggage with loving in unhealthy and inappropriate ways. But...in general, I don't get it. Love is not something we run out of. Our heart is not something we leave with people. Maybe I just haven't fell victim to this that I know of. And maybe it's those things that people are really trying to protect us from. I guess I just wish that was better explained.

Okay...that's all I have. I understand why people say it. I understand the truth behind it. I just hate that it's ever used as an excuse to be on the other extreme.