This question was posed to me the other day. How much should we change for our significant other? Well, that's not exactly how it was asked. But basically the scenario was brought up of, what do you do when there is something about your S.O that you can't stand? Do you tell them? Do you deal with it? How much should the other person be expected to change? How much should the complainer just accept them for who they are?Ultimately...I think this is very situational, and different for married couples and people just starting a relationship.
I don't want to write too much (but I'm sure I will anyway)...I'd rather hear thoughts, as I haven't thought it through all the way. But it seems to me, in a marriage or serious relationship, that it would be a little of both. The person complaining should, on one side, love them enough to accept said imperfections and learn how to deal with them, while on the other side, the offender should love the other person enough to desire to change, or modify whatever behavior irritates the other. If you really don't like that I fart in public and don't care...I hope that I would care that you don't like it, and strive to stop. While at the same time, hope that you would realize...it's not a big deal...maybe it's just who I am...and get over it (but not in a bottling it up way). And I think in the middle you find 2 people who are expressing agape to their partner. This may be a little naive and simple...but...it's my initial thought. I think just dialoguing about it, with the sincere desire to love and co-exist and sacrifice for your partner, and being careful not to attack the person, but attack the issue...I guess I would hope a compromise would be found. But overall I think relationships would be more successful if it was less, "How can I make them more like I want them." and more "How can I be a better person for them." And I'm all about wanting a woman that makes me want to be a better man.
I think it's harder with dating couples because you are evaluating whether you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. This stuff is good to know. What are their quirks? Can you deal with them? And there are some situational aspects of course. If it's something like..."I can't stand your long fingernails." My response to you is going to be..."I respect that...I'm sorry...but I need them for the guitar...you'll have to learn to deal with it." And if she can't...and she breaks up with me or something...well...we weren't right for each other anyway. But if it's something like..."I can't stand that you don't wear deodorant." I would hope my response would be to work on wearing more deodorant. Because...well...she is the one who has to smell me. So I don't think the answer comes in a...one should always change, or one should always get over it solution. Sometimes the things are going to be valid and need changing, sometimes they are going to be stupid and need getting over. I think the hardest part is just figuring out what's important. I know for me, I want to be careful about nit-picking, and just weighing things in the right perspective. I don't want to be the guy that dumps a girl because she has a weird laugh. But there are all sorts of complaints: "I can't stand that she snaps at me when she wants my attention." "I don't like when he drinks too much." "I can't stand when he wont use a coaster." "I can't stand when she nags." "I hate when he doesn't call me after lunch to tell me what he ate." "I hate that she calls me after lunch to tell me what she ate." "It irritates me when he wears those old pants with holes in it in public." I think there are things that point to heart issues, and there are things that are just quirks. The heart issues are the important ones for me. Those are the things I want ultimately deciding my relationship. Now if there are too many quirky things that get under your skin...you might find that you are really not getting along with that person. Sometimes 2 people of great character and spiritual caliber just don't have any romantic chemistry and just aren't right for each other. So I'm not discarding chemistry. It is an important and even vital component of a successful relationship. It can't be all logical. But I think chemistry moves and looks past nit-picking like, "I hate how she eats her mash potatoes," but maybe is affected by, "I don't like it when he's sarcastic, or when he makes fun of my height." Which...again, can sometimes seem more like a heart issue than a chemistry issue. I guess I figure with chemistry you'll be able to tell...it's either there or it's not. It may not be there at the very beginning (or doesn't appear to be because of the pressure of a new relationship, or just figuring out each other's communication style)...but...if you've given it ample time to appear, and it hasn't...then it hasn't. And chemistry doesn't seem like a distinctly defined term, so some might not even consider the above examples issues of chemistry. So...the short of it is...I don't really know what I'm talking about.
So...not sure if I actually said anything here. I think the topic can get very muddled and things can seem to border between character and quirks, and you have to deal with what things you are willing to fight for, and also what things should you be willing to fight for. If the girl just absolutely doesn't find you funny and you have to change your whole sense of humor...it may be admirable that you find her worth changing for...but I just wonder how much of that you even should change for her. Maybe you quit talking about how freakishly tall she is, or maybe you don't make fun of mom's because it rubs her the wrong way. But there are amounts of change that don't seem healthy. And the more I type, the more I am convinced that there is no formula and that it's one individual dealing with another, and that each relationship will be different. I'm sure there are some generic principles to adhere to (like don't bottle...communicate). But...not a lot more specific than that. And when it comes to evaluating a relationship...I think prayer and wisdom from on High is your biggest alley, followed by the advice and council from your friends.
Okay...that's all I got. I'm glad I didn't write a lot.
2 comments:
nice.
I find it amusing that so often females look at the guy they're dating as a "home improvement project".
I think that any change (deep change) that comes out should be because the person you are with makes you want to be a better person...not because they tell you to change or because they give you an ultimatium if you don't change.
Zach, I'd have to agree with you...there's no formula. Every relationship is different, but I think that in a healthy relationship, it's more important to focus on how you can be more of what your significant other needs than how he/she can be more of what you need.
Grace in a relationship is huge! So, when you find yourself all irritated over some nit picky little thing (like farting in public--although I hope you don't actually do that), ask yourself, am I showing the person I care about the grace and love that God shows me?
That's not to say you can't bring up the little things. Communication and not "bottling" is important too. Maybe farting in public doesn't meant that much to him, so if you bring it up, he'll stop doing it...and if it does mean a lot to him (well, then he needs help), then refer back to the grace thing.
I think you're right that it's harder with dating couples (especially early in the relationship) because as you get to know someone, things will come up. In that case, maybe you just need to decide what you can live with (and by live with, I mean, get over for real!--which kinda goes back to the idea of grace) and what would be considered a "deal-breaker."
I agree that sometimes things will be valid and need changing...but I think those things will tend to be the heart issues" and not the nit-picky stuff. You should be able to look at the person your with and say "I know who you are and I love you" and not care that she has a weird laugh. If you find that too many quirky things get on your nerves, then maybe you're just not compatible and it's time to move on. Heart issues, on the other hand, require communication. If she doesn't like his sarcasm, that's something they need to talk about. If being sarcastic is more important to him than being sensitive to how his words/actions affect her, then maybe he isn't the one. (But of course, it really depends on the issue). However if she doesn't like his sense of humor and that's really part of who he is, then that might mean he's just not the one.
Like, I said, I think it really depends on the situation. If you're in a relationship where you see your s.o. as a project, there's something unhealthy going on there and you should look at why that is. You shouldn't try to make someone into the person you want, they either ARE or they AREN't. A healthy relationship is one where you're comfortable being more of who you are, not less. If you can't be more of yourself in your relationship, it might be time to find a new relationship. That's not to say that you shouldn't change anything...you'll continue to grow and change for the rest of your life (hopefully for the better), but yeah, it should be a situation where you want to be better for the person you're with, not that you need the person your with to be better for you.
Since the whole idea of how much we should change for our significant other is totally situational, I can only really tell you how it's work for Brian and I.
Ever since day 1, the more I got to know Brian, the more I liked him. Not to get all mushy on you, but that's still true. He's got quirks, that's for sure (have you seen his napkin collection?)...but I just really adore him.
I think that's how it should be...you should adore the person you're with. You should smile at the quirky things they do instead of letting them get on your nerves. I guess I can say that because there's nothing Brian does that gets on my nerves. I adore him :-)
That's not to say that things are perfect all the time (just 99.9 % ;-)). We've had heart issues to talk about, things we've found we need to change...and there's nothing wrong with that. We've found that no matter what comes up, it's never one-sided, it usually takes some understanding and change on both ends. The important part is not EXPECTING your s.o. to change, but WANTING to change FOR your s.o. in those situations.
But that's just what I think...
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