This question was posed to me the other night. What does it mean to date successfully? Or...what would be considered a successful dating relationship?
Any thoughts?
I think our first instinct would be to say marriage. "Well, if we get married...I say we did it right. We were successful." In which case, any relationship that didn't end in marriage was a failed relationship. Using this measurement...I would definitely not date anyone until I were pretty much sure they were the one. I mean...you want to date successfully! But is a relationship that ends in marriage the only successful relationship? To know, we have to agree on what success is. What is the point of dating? Many would say, to find a mate. We date so that one day we may find the one to spend the rest of our lives with.
Since this is the most popular, let's go with this one. So it seems to imply that success would be marriage. But if dating is the process we take in figuring out if someone is the one...wouldn't success be whether we accurately determined that fact? If you are doing something to figure out if something is one thing or another...success is just that...figuring it out. It doesn't matter which it ends up being...as long as it's been determined. So, wouldn't the goal of dating be achieved by determining whether or not someone is the one you should marry?
So for me...what makes a relationship more or less successful, is how we go about determining whether they are the one or not. It is not a matter of whether they end up being so. How do you go about determining it? Are you healthy about it? Do you set boundaries to make sure that you do not cross any lines while you figure it out? Is the relationship properly valued in relation to your relationship with God? Have you lost your identity in the other person before it is time. Have you "moved in" to a relationship that is not that far along yet? Do you justify what you know to be sin by saying that it is okay because you are in love? Have you planted your relationship firmly in community and family? Have you assessed your motives and determined them to be righteous and not self serving? Men, have you honored her and lead her as a sister in Christ with the utmost purity? These are what measure a successful relationship in my book. This is a situation where the end does not justify the means. Even a relationship that ends in marriage can lead to problems down the road if unhealthy patterns were seeded while dating.
So for me, what is considered a successful relationship? Determining whether someone is the one for you, and doing so in a way that is healthy and balanced and God-centered. Success does not mean doing so without getting hurt. But doing so without being harmed or wounded in a way that negatively affects future relationships.
Just my opinion.
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5 comments:
I left out the obvious fact, that a successful relationship is one that honors God in every aspect of it. Which is true. I guess I was just going for more practicle. What would that look like in a relationship? Well...it would look like a healthy relationship. :)
Chris, you bring up a good point. I guess I do assume that the people are on the same page. And it could be one where they disagree. And I can see a place where one might leave thinking it went well, and the other feeling lost or betrayed or wounded. But I guess then I would argue that something wasn't right. Why did they feel so differently? Not about their feelings, but just about how it ended? I'm not saying a successful relationship doesn't end with pain. And I know that one party could still be undecided (or worse, already decided in the opposite way) about the other person. And I know I'm talking completely in an ideal sense. And I know the connotation of successful gives off the impression of, everyone leaves happy and they are immiediately still friends and hang out all the time and laugh...but I don't think that's the mark of success. And I mainly wanted to challenge what you yourself mentioned as unhealthy, and define success by whether or not they end up married, and not "how" they do their relationship.
But you bring up a valid point. Many people do NOT date correctly. Someone "moves in", someone gets hurt that shouldn't have, feelings are betrayed, communication fails, we are fallen and selfish creatures, and it's bound to come out. And I totally respect not going into that flippantly, even though I argue that sometimes with you because...well...I like to argue with you :). But I think it's unwise and even unhealthy to flipantly pursue relationships. And I'm not saying that this success is easy. I just wanted to point out that I think it's possible to go through a relationship, have it not end in marriage, and still be able to look back and say that it was a success. That you followed God in that relationship. That you honored her and communicated with her and treated her with love and purity and righteousness. And that you are both better people for it. And I think the mentality of "just go out and date" can lead to a lot of unsuccessful relationships. And some people are failing at relationships just by starting them up. But I think it goes both ways, and I think that saying "I wont date until I know I'm going to marry them" can lead to the missing out on potentially successful relationships. So...I guess I'm just all about 1 Cor 10:31-ing it. Whether you date or not date...do it unto the Lord!
Thanks for your thoughts my friend! You definitely sharpen me and I appreciate you! I was talking you up to my small group the other night when we talked about relationships. :) Just so you know.
1. I just want to say how pleased I am to find that I'm not the only one who posts "books" on their blog. Well done Zach!
2. I know that we can look out at the world (and even some christians) and say, "they are not dating correctly" because of the fruit of their relationships (sex, living together, broken hearts..all that was mentioned in the above comments), but I don't think it's right for us to place such judgement on those who do not follow the same God we do, or any god for that matter. Of course they're not going to "date correctly" when we are measuring them against standards set by men to honor God...especially when they could care less. They could very well look at christians and say that we don't date correctly. In their eyes that statement would be absolutely correct. In that sense "correct dating" could be seen as a subjective idea...which I would almost be inclined to believe, since even in the christian realm there are many different ways to approach dating type relationships. I think the only way to date correctly is to date according to your own convictions/limitations/boundaries/etc. (I'm not trying to argue, it's just the whole idea of looking at the world for not dating correctly rubbed me the wrong way.)
3. successful dating...the measure of successful dating baffles me. There are so many different reasons and motivations for dating (even really good ones) which would lead to a differnt measure/indicator of success for each case.
...perhaps "successful dating" is dating in such a way as to maintain your (and the other person's) integrety as a follower of Christ. Regardless of how the relationship ends...maintaing your own personal boundaries/convictions (as well as the other person's boundaries/convictions) and dating or having a relationship in a way that glorifies God (even if that means ending the said relationship/date) would be a very "successful relationship/dating thing".
I agree with about everything you said (all that I understood). I don't think we should place judgements on the world in the sense of expecting them to adhere to "God's Standards." Of course they aren't. So I guess my argument would definitely be geared towards Believers and what I hope is a desire to live by those standards.
And you're right, "There are so many different reasons and motivations for dating (even really good ones) which would lead to a differnt measure/indicator of success for each case." And I'm not saying there is one successful method. I think you can date successfully while dating frequently, or while courting. The success is just...how you went about doing it. Not whether or not you ended up together.
"dating or having a relationship in a way that glorifies God (even if that means ending the said relationship/date) would be a very "successful relationship/dating thing"."
I agree :)
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