How do you stop loving someone?

I am sure we've all experienced this issue to one degree or another. Whether you've liked someone who doesn't like you back (or doesn't even know you exists), or you've broken up with someone that you know isn't right for you, but you can't stop loving that person. And in your gut your cry to God is one of desire for the pain to be taken away. "Take away the feelings, or make something happen!" (Side note...how silly we must sound giving ultimatums to God) I think this probably happens more than we'd like it to. So what can/do we do about it?

In giving my answer to a friend experiencing this very thing, I realized, like most things, that there's no cookie cutter answer (or at least a practical one). I found myself going through situations in my head, "well if this is the case, than this, otherwise maybe this..." And of course the more situations I thought of, the more exceptions and alternatives I began to think of, leading to more situations. So I kind of abandoned that approach pretty quickly thinking I could be there all day. I think there are some common threads of time and separation that can play a role practically in most situations. But I guess I began thinking, what do we struggle with when we go through these times? I mean...no surprise...it hurts! It's painful! And I think we can feel inadequate and weak for feeling these feelings. "We are strong human beings, we should be able to overcome silly emotions!" "There must be something broken with me!" "I must not be trusting God enough!"

Hopper talked about emotional and spiritual health on his Blog. And during the weekend he referred to, we discussed the concept of "embracing our grief" (or something like that). Basically it was the acknowledgement that we are beings that are wired to experience grief. Christ Himself experienced it. We are not broken when we do. We are not necessarily outside His will. It is a part of our growth and sanctification. It can be the mark of compassion. Or it could increase our own compassion (I might have just butchered what they talked about...but...it's what I remember). The question is, what do we do with it. How do we experience it. Do we bottle it, and deny that it exists in order to look more spiritual or together? Do we revel in it and live in it, and experience the perverted pleasure of self-pity that we get from feeling like a victim? Or do we "embrace it" and deal with it righteously. I'll admit, that when I heard them talking about "embracing your grief", I had trouble with it. I didn't get it. They were talking theory, I wanted application. But I wonder how much of that understanding is step one. You are not broken! I mean, we are broken. We are fallen beings. But that is not part of it. It's how we deal with it. You may argue (and I think I did at first) that if you are hurt because your pride has been bruised, then that is a fallen condition. Our response to when someone insults us should be one of, "God determines my value. Not you." And so to feel hurt by comments, I think we feel like we fail that. But I wonder if Donald Miller wouldn't argue that the emotion at the heart of why we feel the need to defend our selves and to feel accepted and to feel validated is the very need and emotion that should draw us to God. Henry Cloud talked about in one of his books that loneliness isn't a bad thing. It's what drives us to community and to fellowship. It's the longing to be whole that feeds the desire to be made complete by our savior! It's the depression and self loathing that contaminates loneliness that is part of our fallen nature.

So what the heck does that mean for us? I guess it just means that we recognize things for what they are. That we use times of trial and pain as an opportunity to examine what it is about something that is hurting us, and how it has been perverted from what it was intended to be. In the heat of the moment, I think this can seem impossible at times. When I had to implement this for myself recently, I thought it was a bunch of crap! My anger produced something closer to hate than love. My emotions felt driven by a selfishness and a feeling that I wasn't getting what I deserved. My hurt was turning to bitterness and my anxiety produced a flurry of ideas for impulsive action and revenge that were not righteous. And my way of dealing with it in the past was always a mantra similar to, "you don't feel this way...you are a new creation...you don't feel this way." But I decided this time to try this "theory" out. Instead of denying it, I told God what I was feeling. (It's always good to be honest with God) I told Him how I felt hurt and angry and entitled and anxious, and I experienced them and allowed myself not to feel inadequate for feeling them. And one by one began thinking about the root of each. Why I was letting hurt yield bitterness, and why I felt entitled, and why I was entertaining the thoughts of revenge, and why I was anxious. Most of it came down to my lack of trust in God and His timing. Some of it came down to what I realized had been a long standing omittence of the fact that I am not my own. That I am entitled to nothing and that my happiness and fulfillment is only promised in the glorification and obedience of my God! And the pain did not go immediately away (infact seemed more intense and painful when initially embraced). And even while figuring out where my reactions to these feelings were going awry, I wasn't pain free. But I began to be at peace. And I began to actually address and grow in areas that needed changing underneath instead of convincing myself that my feelings were a lie from Satan and that a follower of Christ feels no pain! And I was able to address the problem of anxiety whenever the temptation arose on the level of re-affirming my trust in God in the area of which I was anxious, as that's where the root was.

So...how do we stop loving someone? I have no stinkin' clue. But I wonder if it starts with realizing that God has created us to be intimate with other beings. And I wonder if we dig deep, if we could not begin to identify what desires we are trying to fill through that other person, and concentrate on fulfilling them in a righteous way. And by digging deep, also figure out what things we are hanging on to, and not allowing God to have control over. Close examination is definitely more, not less painful. But I like the sentiment of the beginning of Hebrews 12. That discipline, though painful in the beginning, yields fruit of righteousness. And if we had that longer term mentality...it may make it just as bearable as we need to get through those hard times.

K...this was written over the span of many days (even weeks)...so...forgive my incoherence. And your thoughts are welcome!